DAY ONE

My name is Bulma Briefs, of both Correnia and Chikyuu. In case anyone should find this, I am a prisoner on this hellhole of a planet—Kannassa. I thought maybe I should keep a record for my son, and for my husband should I not get out of this place alive. This is all I have to tell them, to let them know what I went through, and what happened to me. The Kannassans mean to kill us all, I know it.

It’s been two days since we crashed here. I suffered a head injury, so one of those days is mostly missing, unfortunately. I remember some things, like Bardock. They have done something terrible to Bardock. I know it. I haven’t seen Chi-Chi since we were hauled out of that miserable room the first day we were here. The leader, Hachuu, or at least I think that was his name, struck Bardock down with something. I’m not sure what it was. It looked as if it was almost something electrical in nature, but I have never seen anything like it in all my years. Granted, there haven’t been very many years in my life yet, but still, I have made a career out of working with technology and science. I thought I knew it all. I guess I was reminded that my knowledge is still relatively low when it comes to other cultures, and races. They seem to have powers that I cannot fathom.

Whatever it was, it brought Bardock to his knees, and that is saying something. Bardock is one of the strongest men I know. To see him shaking, and screeching as if the world were at an end frightened me so much. I clung to him, Chi-Chi clung to him, hoping that whatever it was, he would resist it, and he would prevail, but—but, he slipped into unconsciousness, and we were drug away from him. They deposited us in separate rooms, and I have not seen Chi-Chi since. God, I hope she is all right. She’s pregnant, and with a Saiya-jin child no less. Should the Kannassans come to know that, well…I ‘m scared to death of what that would mean for her. I have come to understand the one truth the Kannassan’s cling to with a stubbornness I have never seen: Any and all Saiya-jin must be eradicated

Saiya-jin is a word of profound evil to them, and Chi-Chi and I crashed here with a Saiya-jin. And not just with any old Saiya-jin, no, we crashed here with the Saiya-jin that attacked and devastated this planet, and its population, under Frieza’s command. Bardock is something to be reviled, and because we are with him, because we call him friend, we must be evil too. They’ve given us no chance to speak our case. They have merely slapped us in these bleak cells, devoid of anything, and left us to die.

God, sitting here in this black, empty cell, trying to keep up hope, trying to stay sane, my mind is filled with thoughts of Vegeta. I can’t feel him. It’s as if our bond is not there. Always, no matter what, I could feel him inside me, and even if our thoughts and feelings were blocked to the other, I could feel his presence—his life force in my heart, and soul. That bond is the beauty of the Saiya-jin race, if you ask me. They were hardened warriors, devoid of any and all weakness, yet with their chosen mates, they shared something so wonderfully open, and amazing…well, it just defies logic that they could be so hard, and so vicious, yet have such profound relationships. I have yet to work out the mysteries there. I just treasure this intense thing that is between us. To not feel it, to not even sense him has left me cold and miserable, scared beyond belief. He told me that he knew of nothing that could end a bond, with the exception of death. What if something has happened to him? What if he’s dead?

I have tried reaching him through our shared telepathy. Vegeta had taught me how to communicate with him on this level, not too long after Frieza had died. All Saiya-jin are blessed with the capabilities of basic telepathy, or so I was told. It was a useful way to communicate in combat, or in dire situations. Vegeta felt that since I had so openly accepted the bond, that I must have telepathic leanings myself, and so we worked hard to develop it. Nothing I do is reaching Vegeta, and I can’t go on trying. I’m too exhausted. I can’t believe that he is dead. I just can’t. There has to be some type of explanation for the emptiness I feel. I know that eventually, I will wake up, and he will be here, fully, in my mind, and my heart.

So, other than my meal, which is some nauseating grey gruel, I see no one. I have no clue as to Bardock or Chi-Chi’s whereabouts, or their well-being. Even the Kannassans themselves don’t come to see me. I already mentioned that we were being kept here because of our association with Bardock. Well, I have begun to suspect that they have discovered the deeper relationships that exist between all of us. And, I think that they plan on exploiting them.

We are possible tools that can be used to break him. I learned this from my father as he taught me the basics of fighting a war. Being his daughter, the Princess, he thought I should learn. Chi-Chi and I, though innocent of any crimes against this wretched race, have both become pawns in a sordid game to bring Bardock to his knees. It is a timeless strategy, used by almost every race created. Though, watching Hachuu that first day, right before he hurt Bardock, I would tell you that somehow, they have seen the difference in him. Somehow they know that he is not the same man he was when he came here to purge this planet, and they mean to use that knowledge against him. They intend to see him suffer for his crimes against them, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him.

Bardock, I need to help him, I need to find a way to reach him. I don’t think that I can get us out of here on my own. If there is any hope for escape, or survival, we have to do it together. I haven’t seen him since that first damn day here. I can only hope that he is all right. I know he did terrible things to this race, but I can’t—I can’t fathom that man. This man I know is good. The man I know changed. He deserves a second chance. They have to see that. They just have to.

DAY TWO

God, I saw him. I saw them dragging him back from being tortured. Damn the cruel bastards. I had been thinking of him, and Vegeta all day. I can’t explain it, but I knew that I had to see Bardock. I knew he needed me. I still don’t understand what it was, but I knew when they came to give me my meal, that I had to try. I knew that I wouldn’t have much time, so every little second would count. I had no idea where he was, or where they were holding him. I’m not sure, now, why I ever thought I would make it to him. Perhaps lunacy is setting in.

When the guard finally came, carrying my daily gruel, I feigned sickness. He was forced to come in to check on me. As soon as he was inside, I bolted, making a run for the door, and coming out just in time to see Bardock. I’d meant to seal the door closed before the guard could catch me, but I was so shocked, and so surprised to Bardock right before me that I froze. It was my first chance to see exactly what they were doing to him. It was enough to make me sick

A hulking Kannassan guard was dragging Bardock back to his cell. His armor was stripped from him, leaving the tanned, muscled flesh exposed and vulnerable. I recognized the lash marks on him immediately. I had felt that lash myself on Hell. They had used electro-whips. The wicked, red marks were burned into his skin, reaching around the back, and scorching viciously into his abdomen, and chest. My shock and horror must have rendered me mute, for I know I opened my mouth to shout his name, but nothing came out. The only thing I was capable of emitting was a low moan at what I was seeing before me.

His head hung down limply, though not in defeat. He was in pain, and he was suffering, and I think, still reeling from that first initial attack against him the first day we were here, but they had not broken him. His pride was still very much there. In those few seconds, as I stared at him, I saw his jaw clenched together, jutting out defiantly. If he’d had the strength, he would have sent them all to Hell, I know it. Despite my initial alarm, and despite my horror, I felt myself rejoice at that sight. Seeing his pride, firmly intact, is the best that I can hope for in this horrific situation. If his pride is still there, that meant I can reach him, and I can encourage him to make a move. He is our best chance at getting away from here, as long as he doesn’t give up.

But first, I had to get his attention, and the guard that I had fooled was already latching onto me from behind. Neglecting to seal the cell door had cost me dearly. My few seconds of freedom were over. I panicked as I watched them drag Bardock away. I wanted him to know that I was there, and I wanted him to know that I needed him, that Chi-Chi needed him. He had to have a reason to fight…and I knew Bardock would never leave those he gave a damn about, behind. Knowing that we are counting on him might help him stay alive. So, struggling madly against my captor as he wrestled me back into the cell, I gripped the edge of the black metal doorway tightly, buying myself a few more precious seconds, and I screamed his name. I watched his head jerk up, and our eyes locked for the briefest of seconds.

At first there had been a horror that I should see him this way. I have seen the look many times in Vegeta’s eyes, and I recognized the shame for what it was the minute that it ignited in the black depths. But then, slowly, it was replaced by relief, and something far more tender. Something that made my heart leap into my throat, and something that warms my belly. I struggled to escape my own Kannassan captor, begging and pleading with him to let me go and tend to Bardock, all the while holding on like a magnet to that damn doorway. The fool held fast, though, finally managing to yank an arm off the door, and twist it painfully behind my back. I cried out from the sudden pain, nearly falling to my knees from the force he used. I heard something snap, and I knew that he had broken it. Hissing in pain, I forced myself to stay on my feet, though the pressure he was applying to the injured arm was enough to make me want to pass out. I couldn’t let him beat me though..

To my surprise, Bardock came to life, somehow finding strength and ripping free of his captor to rush at me, and the guard that had hurt me. His ebony eyes had gone cold, and menacing, and I understood that this was a side I had never really seen of him before—not really, not even on Hell. It both scared and thrilled me all in the same second. I think the Kannassan guards knew real fear for a moment, before one of them regained his bearings and began to beat on Bardock with his whip. The guard was like some ferocious animal gone mad, unrelentless in his cruelty.

And like a memory from yesterday, I felt that whip as if it were being laid across my back, just the way it had been on Hell. For a moment I shrank back from the sight. I closed my mind to the smell of singed flesh, and the grunts of the guard as he exerted himself. I cowered within myself in hopes of escape, much to my humiliation.. But it wasn’t me that was being tortured, it was Bardock, and I cried out for him as they tore me from the scene and threw me, kicking and screaming, back into my own cell.

I’m not sure how long I pounded against the door last night, using my good arm. My broken one throbbed violently, and I had to fight down the urge to throw up on several occasions. I guess they wanted me to suffer with it. I guess finally, I must have seen the futilitely of pounding and screaming. To be honest, I lost some time. It’s kind of scary, actually, to know you were there, but have no memory of what you have done. I can recall sliding to the floor as if my body were completely boneless. After that, my memory comes and goes. All I knew last night, and all I know now is that Bardock is suffering, and there is nothing that I can do to help him.

And my pain is compounded with the knowledge that I am just as helpless where Vegeta is concerned. I still can’t feel his presence within me. It’s as if he’s died, and the fear that something terrible has happened to him is eating at me like some horrible disease—killing me slowly more and more each day. Please, God, let him be all right! Let him be all right! I couldn’t bear it if anything has happened to him. We don’t deserve this, not after all we have gone through.

I have no idea how long I sat huddled like that last night, clutching my wounded arm to me like a cornered animal, staring into the empty coldness of the room, my mind riddled with thoughts of the two men that I loved. Certainly, Bardock was merely a friend, or so I kept telling myself, but Vegeta—Vegeta was my life, and my soul. I wasn’t certain that I could live without him.

And as much as I am worried about him, as much as I long for him, for his arms around me, protecting me, I am also unconscionably angry with him for denying me the chance to go with him. If I had been given the choice, we would be together, and I would not be here…nor would Chi-Chi or Bardock. I am so tired of him taking my decisions away from me, and acting as if he knows what is best. He should have known that I was safest when he was near. Damn him! I am suffering because of him, and he doesn’t even have the decency to contact me, or let me feel some small ray of hope.

I’m not certain how many hours I spent last night, cursing him in that small room, hoping against hope that he might hear me through his thoughts, and reply with some acerbic put down…but at some point, I must have fallen asleep. I was awoken in the morning by yet another ugly, brutish guard, and drug down to the regeneration tank to heal my arm. I guess they wanted me to suffer with it overnight as a reminder of what I would experience should I not behave. God, I hate these creatures.

They are here, now. I have to go.

DAY THREE

Well, I was taken before Hachuu yesterday. Imagine my surprise when they came to drag me to his quarters. I was brought before him, in electro shackles, and made to stand by another set of electro shackles around my ankles, in one spot on the floor, while he walked in slow, deliberate circles around me. It was during this time that he filled me in on his position within the race. I had thought that he was their King, perhaps, but apparently I was wrong. Hachuu is their highest military leader. He was placed in that position, shortly after Bardock’s initial attack against Kannassa. Finding, and killing Bardock, and the crew that was with him, has been his life’s goal since that day.

At first, I stood there, and tried reasoning with him, begging and pleading with him to understand that Bardock had been a different man, under the command of a viscous minded tyrant, but he refused to listen. He absolutely refuses to comprehend anything but his own narrow views. He merely continued his path around me, studying me with something akin to wry amusement on his face, before finally deigning to speak..

"The Saiya-jin race must be eradicated, Bulma Briefs. They are a plague upon this universe. You dare to stand before me and defend them? You dare to defend Bardock, the slayer of millions of my people? He wiped out my wife and children with no thought of mercy. How dare you come to me and beg me for clemency." He spat out in disgust.

"He was under the command of Frieza. Surely you recall Frieza. Bardock helped kill Frieza. He turned against what he knew was wrong, and he defeated it, just like several other Saiya-jin that I know. You have to find some mercy in your soul, or you are going to become exactly what he was." I begged, thinking that maybe I had a chance to reach him. "He’s changed, Hachuu, surely you can see this."

"Yes, I have seen this." His voice was amused, and arrogant. "And it is this change that makes my vengeance all the more satisfying. "It amuses me to see him suffer, Bulma. And it amuses me to see you suffer."

I watched as his face took on a shifty, calculating expression, and he turned his cold eyes to me, piercing me with a shrewd glare. "The Kannassans have many talents, Bulma. Bardock is fully aware now, of all that we can do. Perhaps it is time that you knew as well. "

"What do you mean?" I asked, dread filling me. He said nothing, merely continued to smile at me, or at least I think it was a smile. Their faces make it hard to tell..

After what seemed forever, he finally spoke," What happens to a person who tries to escape electro shackles? Do you know?"

"Yes, they get shocked." I shrugged, not following his train of thought.

"Then why are you trying to get out of yours?" He stared at my shackles, and I felt my brows draw downwards in confusion.

"What are you talking about, I’m not trying to get out—" The words died in my throat as I felt the first jolt of electricity shoot through my body. My body was overcome with the need to escape. I had to escape, I had to get out of these shackles, and find a way off this planet. The feelings were so overwhelming; I didn’t know how to fight them. "What have you done to me?" I cried out, as yet another jolt of electricity shot painfully through me. "What are you doing?" I felt the terror rising in me again. These weren’t my thoughts, yet I was having them. I wanted to escape, no matter that I knew there was no way I could.

And then, as suddenly as the thoughts and feelings were there, they were gone, leaving me panting heavily from the sudden exertion. Whatever he had done to me, I had been powerless to fight it.

"Among foreseeing the future, and reading minds, the Kannassan race is adept at implanting thoughts. You could be my willing slave, should I desire it, Bulma." He smiled maliciously at me, and I felt my knees go weak.

"No," I shook my head violently. "I don’t believe you…"

"Should I offer you up another demonstration?" Cocking his head to one side, he regarded me wickedly. "I’m sure that I can come up with something quite entertaining."

"No," I whispered, feeling sick. "I believe you."

"Good, I’d hate to see you do anything you didn’t want to." He laughed, stopping to stand behind me. "You see, Bulma, there is nothing you can hide from me, nothing Bardock can hide from me. I know everything, and I will use it against you. I will use it against him. I have only begun to show you the true depths of suffering."

I felt the cold slide of his sharp nail on my cheek, and I shuddered. "Why are you doing this to me, or to Chi-Chi? We haven’t done anything to you."

"You are the Saiya-jins’ whores." He said coldly, trailing his fingers through my hair. "You have such marvelously silken hair, Bulma. That is truly a trait I can admire, even in a human. Tell me, why would you choose to allow a disgusting Saiya-jin to touch you?"

"They are not evil. You don’t understand them as I do." I felt something cool and wet trail down my cheek, and I realized that I was crying. I had allowed this bastard to bring me to this. Dammit, I hate myself for being so weak.

"They are all evil, Bulma. And you are my weapon to wiping out what remains of that vile race. You are the concubine of the Prince of Vegitasei. What price would he pay to have you back? What price would the warriors pay to have you, or the other whore back? Will they come here, seeking to save you? Will they buy your lives with their own? I had at one time believed all Saiya-jin to be cold and heartless. I know now, though, that they feel very deeply. I have learned that through all of your minds," he paused, and gave a low chuckle. "Among other things." His finger clenched in my hair, and he drew my head back against his chest.

"Please…" I said weakly, unable to fight him.

"You are my weapon, Bulma," he rasped, staring down into my eyes. "And rest assured, I will use you well."

He released me then, and called for me to be taken back to my cell. I went meekly, dazed, and traumatized by my meeting with Hachuu. They deposited me back into my cell, and left me alone to try to digest all that he had done and said. My god, he could make have thoughts that were not my own. Unless I could find a way to fight him, he would implant thoughts, and have me do things I had no desire to do. The idea that I could be violated in such a way made my stomach churn, and I felt the bile rise up in my throat in a sharp surge, burning my throat.

I sat there, wide-awake, all night long, unable to move for fear that he would try to control my mind, and body. Had he already been using me? How would I know? It’s morning now, and the only thing I have been able to do is speak into the recorder. I can’t let myself be used this way; I can’t let myself be violated in such a horrible manner. I will not be his weapon. Somehow I will find a way to fight. I have to.

DAY FOUR

How in the hell do you reason with creatures that refuse to see the light of day? They are tormenting us for the sheer joy of it, playing with our minds, and attempting to break us both physically and mentally. They are motivated by a desire for vengeance that has festered for over a decade. Instead of seeking to heal the pain of their loss, they merely stoke it, and allow it to grow, until they have lost all sense of right and wrong.

I live in constant fear that I will be used in some degrading way, forced to go against the very people that I love, and completely unable to fight the urges that make me do it. Every waking minute is spent wondering if each action is my own, or if they are random thoughts that Hachuu, or some other sick Kannassan has placed in my mind. It is scary enough that they can read minds. I have done everything I can think of to put up a steel wall around my thoughts, and feelings. Maybe it is too late. I don’t know. All I know is that I will not willing let them have me, or my mind.

I am desparate to communicate with Bardock. He has to know what they are doing. Though I suspect, going on Hachuu’s words, that he has a fairly good idea. Still, if we don’t see each other, we are never going to escape. There has to be a way to reach him. There just has to be. I know he is worried about me, and about Chi-Chi. Thining of ways to escape is all that is keeping me sane, though I now know that Hachuu is probably reading all my plans. Things would be so much better if I could just see Bardock. We have been down and out before, left for dead, on Hell. We made it through that, together. Why is that we keep landing in situations of such extremity? What is this force that keeps throwing Bardock and I into these intense, life or death situations together?

And I have seen nothing of Chi-Chi. Bardock has to be the most concerned over her. She’s pregnant with his grandson. Knowing that she is in peril can’t be easy on him.

Oh, I have to turn my mind away form the others right now. I’m going to go crazy wondering if they are alright. I have to find something to do. Maybe I can work on my little recorder. It is the only mechanical thing I have with me. I had been working on it the day we left the ship. It’s a small, palm-sized, device I had come up with to aid in my work. It’s hard to take notes, or write down details when you are elbow deep in grease, and wiring. So I had come up with the idea of this small recorder that allowed you to speak into it, or near it. You could set it on a table, and work several feet away, and it would still pick up your voice. It would then convert your words to stored text by way of a small memory chip. When hooked up to a printer, it owld print all your chosen documents. It’s kind of like a self-typing computer, I suppose.

I had the bare machine created, and had just began to tinker with it when we went to that damn dinner. I encapsulated the thing, and borught it along to show Bardock, thinking he would be impressed. Now I’m using it as a journal so that I might keep track of what’s happening to me. How ironic.

Bardock would be impressed, though. Or he will be impressed when I show it to him.. I love impressing him. He is the one person who understands the true joy of dreaming up new technology, of seeing your vision realized by working with your own two hands, and of seeing other people get use out of your own ideas. Bardock understands that part of me as no one else does or can. Vegeta recognizes my genius, I know that. He admires it, and he is quite intelligent himself, but he has no interest in it unless it is benefiting him. Bardock, well, Bardock is this kindred spirit, and I love talking to him about science, and work. It is just something we share.

I have no idea if Hachuu knows I have it with me. He probably does. I’ m shocked that he hasn’t confiscated it for himself. He is cruel enough to try it. He is the most sadistic one of the bunch, or so I can tell. Hachuu wants us to suffer as much as possible before we finally do die off. He hopes to play with our minds by bringing us all to the brink of death and pain before jerking us back to start all over again; I think…to make our final days more difficult. Perhaps he does mean to use me, or Chi-Chi to reach the other Saiya-jin, but I know with certainty that he will not let either of us leave this planet alive. He has been consumed by his loss and hatred, and it fuels him in the things he chooses to do to us.

God, that thought makes me furious! Hachuu makes me furious! How dare he violate me, or attempt to use me in the way that he has? I have done nothing to him, Chi-Chi has done nothing to him, damn his soul to hell. Our only crime is knowing Bardock, and even there he refuses to see reason. Bardock is a different man; his shackles to Frieza are gone, dammit! Why can’t Hachuu see this? The bastard is blind. He sees only an opportunity to cause Bardock great pain. I have little hope, now, that I can get him to see anything beyond his own desire for revenge. I find the idea that I will die as a pawn, in a sick, twisted game, leaves me filled with an impotent rage that I can do nothing to appease. I am trapped in this web, and I can’t get myself, or the people that I care about out of it, no matter how hard I try. I struggle and I struggle, and still I just mire myself in deeper. Now, I can do nothing but wait as he enacts his vision of vengeance upon us. I will fight him, though. I promise, I will fight him, and if he is reading my mind, I hope to God, he knows that.

DAY FIVE

I am getting desperate. I need to see Bardock! I need to see Chi-Chi! They have done something to them, I know they have. I have gone crazy in here, trying to figure out ways to reach the, each time coming up empty. I have searched everything in a vain attempt to find something, anything I could cobble together to escape this damn cell.

The little black cell is starting to wear on me. I am alone every day, and there is only one light…and—Ahh! I think I am going mad. I have to figure out someway to get out of here! I cannot keep staring at the walls, and the floor, waiting for something to happen. I am going to go crazy of I don’t figure something out.

My only true comfort is sleep, and even that is fleeting. I find myself plagued with dreams and nightmares. They seem like hellish visions of the future, and when I jerk awake, there is no Vegeta there to soothe the fear and the tension away. I am alone, and shaking, and I—

All I want is someone, Vegeta, Bardock…anyone to hold me, and make it all go away. What am I going to do? I wonder how long I can go on this way—paranoid, alone, scared? I just need some kind of human contact. If I could just touch another human, see them in person; I might be able to get a grip.

This is worse than Hell, I think. Even on that miserable planet, there was at least something to do to pass the time, and equally pathetic creatures to share the burden and misery. And in the end, I had been given Bardock to help keep me alive. He had given me hope in that terrible place, but now, here on Kannassa, there is nothing. Bardock is removed from me, as is Chi-Chi, and what is worse is that I know they are suffering, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I almost wish Hachuu would just kill me so that I might be put out of my misery, but every time I have that thought, I push it away. If I keep those thoughts in my head, I will give up and die. I wonder, sometimes, if it is Hachuu that makes me feel this way. It comes and goes. Somedays, I think that perhaps I can survive, other days, I feel as if I will scream with the futility and frustration of it all.

Hachuu wants to scare me. I saw that clearly when he met with me. It was there, shining in his eyes whenever I looked at him. I feel scared, but there is a rage there as well. It is a rage at being helpless, of not knowing what is going on with me, of not being able to see the people that I care about. There is a rage that I might not ever see my son again, and it is a rage that is eating away at my soul, demanding that I do something to pacify it, but what…what can I do? I feel so helpless…so useless, dammit. The people around me are suffering, and I can do nothing for them. It is all because of that fish faced lizard. God, how I hate that fucking thing! I will gladly kill him with my own hands if I have half the chance.

Pitifully, Hachuu has become the very monster he abhorred, while Bardock changed. Bardock defeated the demons that had clamored to claim his soul. He has made a difference. Hachuu has lost himself in his thirst for vengeance, and power. He doesn’t care who he hurts and ultimately, it will destroy him. Good, I hope it chokes him to death. There is no honor is anything that he is doing, but he fails to see that. He seems to think that his Gods commend what he does. I hope they send him straight to hell that.

DAY SIX

I saw Chi-Chi last night. God, they are starving her, they are starving her and her child to death. Oh God, what am I going to do? She is so sick. That is part of the reason they let me in to see her. I don’t think they want her to die just yet. I was allowed to take a small portion of food to her, and I helped her sit up. I even had to spoon the gruel into her mouth. She leaned heavily against me, gobbling up each precious drop of the disgusting meal as if it were some fine cuisine on an exotic plant. Damn that bastard. I knew he was mad, but I never thought that he would stoop this far. This is an innocent woman, and her unborn child.

After a few hours, I was taken back to my cell, though I begged them to let me stay. Chi-Chi needed me. She needed someone in there to take care of her. They ignored me, and drug e back to my damn cell like a rag do! I needed to hear Bardock’s voice. I have given up on hearing Vegeta. Whatever has happened, he is removed from our bond. I pray to God he is alive and well, I pray to God that he has gotten our son, and taken him somewhere safe. I can only hope that my prayers have been answered.

And so now I know, Chi-Chi is starving to death. Her Saiya-jin child is eating the minerals out of her body that she needs to stay alive, and I fear that both of them are going to die, and soon. But what in the hell can I do? She needs food and nourishment. I would argue with Hachuu, but I already know that would be a pointless endeavor. God, I hate him! I have not felt hatred this strongly since Parisia. Not even Vergerom, with his posturing or manipulations has managed to induce the type of hatred that Hachuu has awoken within me. Perhaps he should see that as an honor. I don’t know. I am not sure he can see anything except his own driving need for revenge.

The Kannassans have evidently been doing mind probes on us to find out what they need to know. How else would they know my connection to Vegeta, or that fact that Chi-Chi is pregnant with Bardock’s grandson? Hachuu had all but told me that the day of our confrontation! The idea that they know my deepest thoughts leaves me nauseous. There is nothing I can do about it, there is nothing…and he is using our thoughts against us. I know he is. So how do I stop him?

They read what they want, when they want. They can introduce thoughts they want you to have, or ideas, and apparently they have been doing that, but that is only my conjecture right now. I can’t recall anything that I have done that was out of the ordinary…but the idea that he can has left me paranoid, and terrified. God knows what sickening things he might choose to satisfy his own sick lust for amusement. There has to be some way to stop him, some way to hide things or block them. I just have to find it.

So far, the only thing I can come up with is to keep my mind as empty as possible. I try to keep it devoid of all thoughts for fear that they are reading them, but it is useless. I find that I slide into worries, and conjectures, and then I drive myself insane agonizing over it. And what is worse is that I have been feeling this burning anger towards Vegeta.

There’s this nagging thought, and God knows I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t help myself. There is this single thought that if he had only taken me with him, I wouldn’t be going through this, and the other wouldn’t be going through this. I have no idea if this is Hachuu’s doing, or not. God knows I was already pissed off at Vegeta for leaving me behind the way he did. I still am, and I can hardly deny the truth of what I am thinking. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him. It has been buried deep within me, and I have been doing a pretty good job of ignoring it up until now, but it’s screaming at me again, reminding me of his treachery. He actually knocked me out and handed me over to Bardock. I can’t believe it.

Vegeta knew I was safest with him. He knew it and yet he had decided what was best for me, and in doing so had apparently doomed me to suffering and death. I don’t want to be having these thoughts about him, though. I want to feel him within me, giving me comfort and hope. I want to know that he’s coming for me.

I have continued to reach out for him on several occasions, hoping that I might find and contact him, let him know what was happening to me. Still there is absolutely nothing. What has happened to him?

The worst thing about knowing that your mind is being probed, and manipulated, is trying to figure out a plan of action. How can I ever figure a way off this planet if my mind is screwed with? How could I ever contact Vegeta if they would know? AHHH!! The questions are endless and I have no answers for them. I am so tired. I need to go and lay down. I need some sleep. I will pray to every God I know to help me find a way off this planet. I will pray for help. I’ll pray that someone answers me.

DAY SEVEN

I was brought to Chi-Chi’s cell this morning. She was sick again, and I sought to aid her, to lend her some comfort, but I wish to God now that I hadn’t. I should have just left her alone, though I know now that it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. They were manipulating her…Hachuu was manipulating her. He admitted as much to me this afternoon. The only question I have is was he manipulating the truth as he found it in her mind, or was it some horrible lie he planted in her brain? The not knowing is going to drive me mad. I have no idea anymore what is real and what isn’t.

The guards drug me into her cell this morning, and when I walked in, I saw her sobbing hysterically into the mat on the floor. It was a hoarse, gut-wrenching sound torn from someplace deep within her, and it brought me to my senses immediately. I went to her quaking form, heart in throat, wrapping my arms around her in an embrace I had hoped would give her some kind of solace, thinking she would welcome it. Instead, she smacked my hand away, treating me as if I were some kind of venomous snake.

Chi-Chi was near delirious I think, from lack of food and water, lashing out at me as if I were the enemy. Her eyes…God, if I live to be a hundred, I will never forget her eyes. The usually clear, sparkling black eyes were glazed, and shocky looking—pained; though she saw me, she wasn’t really seeing me. It was as if she were looking through me, as if she were a million miles away.

She called for Kakkarot, called for him over and over before she collapsed into a sobbing ball on the floor. I went to her, hoping that the worst was over, that she would accept the help that I offered to her, but she hit my arm away again, and looked up at me through slitted, black eyes.

I recoiled at the look of fear and loathing on her tear-streaked, dirty face. Even now, recounting this several hours later, I see that look again, and it chills me to the bone.

Chi-Chi turned to me, and she looked…well, if I’m honest with myself, she looked as if she hated me. And that awful look was mixed with pain and fear, and it made me sick to see it on her face. The usually shiny, silky, black hair hung limply around her face, giving her the look of a woman gone mad, or worse I think…a woman who has stopped fighting. I think maybe she is beginning to give up. She is the strongest woman I know…if she gives up, where does that leave me?

She was still coherent enough to hurt me. And I wonder how much of what she said earlier was true. I hope and pray with all my heart that it was a lie, implanted in her brain to turn me against Vegeta. I don’t know, and that is what makes it so damn hard. I know Hachuu will try to turn me against them, if only to further his plot to wipe out all the Saiya-jin. I know Hachuu played with her mind, but he claims…he claims it was the truth. What if it is? What am I supposed to do if it is the truth? And the way she spoke to me, disdainfully, mockingly. I think I’m going insane. All I can hear are the words she spoke to me this morning. All I can hear is her laughter—Hachuu’s, Vegeta’s. They are all laughing at me!

Chi-Chi turned her black gaze to me, and I found that I actually recoiled "Look at you, Bulma. Tell me are they feeding you?" She snapped the words at me, and I had only looked at her wide-eyed, guilt flooding through me. I felt blood seep into my cheeks. They fed me very little actually, but it was more than she was getting and apparently we both knew this. They brought me a single bowl of gruel every day. She must have read the answer on my face, for she had snorted in disgust and looked away.

"Chi-Chi," I had begun, trying to reason with her, or perhaps it was that I was merely trying to justify to myself why I was eating and she was starving. I don’t know. One of us needs to take what we can. If there was any chance of us surviving this hell, one of us has to stay strong. Am I wrong in thinking that? Does that make me evil? Should I be turning away from what they give me?

"Don’t bother, Bulma. I know you eat." She cut my words off, struggling to stand, and again I tried to aid her. But she shot me a venomous glare to keep me in place, and I retreated back from her, stumbling clumsily as I did so. I could probably manhandle her as weak as she was, but I didn’t want to take the chance that it would harm her or the baby. Looking back to this morning, I realize she is sick. Her cheeks glowed with some unholy, red flush, and the eyes—well, I am surprised she was able to discern who I was.

"Chi-Chi, I hardly eat anything. I—" She cut me off with one violent, disgusted curse. I have never heard the like from her before.

"Are you that stupid, Bulma?" She snapped. "They are starving me because they know I am pregnant with a Saiya-jin child. They know…they know its relation to Bardock, and they are using me to make him suffer." She had looked away from me for a moment before turning back, and the look on her face chilled me. This wasn’t Chi-Chi…this wasn’t the woman I knew. "Do you know why you aren’t pregnant, Bulma? All this time you have been trying to get pregnant, and do you know why you aren’t?"

I shook my head, too dazed at her attitude to speak.

"You aren’t pregnant because Vegeta drugs you. Did you know that? Everyone else does." She had laughed cruelly, sneering at me. "Tell me, have you even had a marriage ceremony with him? Not the traditional Chikyuu-jin ceremony, but the official Saiya-jin ceremony?" She watched me closely, and I guess my mind was still trying to encompass the part about the drugs. What in the hell was she talking about? How could he have been drugging me?

"I don’t understand." I had whispered to her. "Drugging me?"

"Yes, he told Kakkarot how he uses a contraceptive to ensure you don’t get pregnant. That he wants no more brats with you. I mean come on—put two and two together and figure it out. He has never taken the time to marry you. Why would he want you to give birth to anymore bastards?" She had laughed at the look of horror on my face, and then she just collapsed. It was as if she had been given the life to spit that out, and then once she was done, once her usefulness had worn off…her spirit left her.

I stared at her prone form for what seemed an eternity, unmoving, unblinking…only staring. I’m not sure, even now, that my mind has fully encompassed what she said to me.

He’s been drugging me? Vegeta has been drugging me to keep me from having his child? I don’t know how long I sat in her cell this morning, watching her sleep fitfully, repeating that question to myself over and over until I thought my mind would explode from the agony. But gradually, I became aware of every muscle in my body clenching tight like the knot in a rope, and I began trembling violently.

He had told me he had no idea why I wasn’t getting pregnant. Vegeta had looked me in the eyes and told me that we would try! He let me believe that there was something wrong with my body…damn him! Damn him! I had trusted him completely. I had trusted him, how could he do this to me—TO ME?

And he hadn’t even bothered to go through with an official wedding ceremony, either Saiya-jin or Chikyuu-jin. He had told me we were married, had assured me that there was nothing else to go through…that it was official.

Oh, I don’t know why I am so damned shocked. I knew! I knew! I had just been too cowardly to admit the truth to myself. I had willingly played the fool. I don’t know who I am more furious with, myself or him. God, I have been so damn stupid.

My mind has been in overdrive since this morning, agonizing over these words. Hell, I can’t even say if they are true. Again, for all I know, this could be some grand scheme of Hachuu to turn me against the evil Saiya-jin. These monsters have been digging in every memory, every thought I have, and I have no idea what is real, and what isn’t. It’s like being in hell. One minute I believe it be a lie, and the next…the next I feel as if it were the absolute truth, and I had been too blinded by my own stupid naiveté to see it happening to me. It is truly sick, and nothing can help me, except the man that has put me in this position. God, I need him! I need him to tell me that he has never done anything like this to me, I need him to rescue me, and I need him to talk to me. I need to hear his voice! I need to touch him. It has been days since I felt him, days since I spoke to him. And as much as I want to speak to him, I hate him too. He is the reason this is happening to me! My misery is his entire fault! If I go insane on this miserable, little planet, it will be all his fault! Damn him!

Vegeta had denied me my choice, forced me to go in a separate direction from him, and because of that, I, and the people that I cared about, were going to die slow, miserable deaths. Damn him! And now I find this out. What in the hell am I supposed to do? How can I believe it, but yet…she had hit a nerve, and I can’t deny that there is a part of me that wonders. How could I doubt him this way? Maybe it is Hachuu implanting these doubts. It has to be. I have no reason to think that he would ever lie to me in this way. He would never tamper with my body behind my back.

I want so much to believe that. I would rather deal with Hachuu and his perversions, than believe for a moment that Vegeta would do all of these things to me behind my back—that he would betray my trust in him in such a horrendous way. God, it hurts. It hurt so much. As much as I want to believe that he could never do that to me, there is something inside of me, some gut instinct perhaps, that knew it was true. Looking back on conversations, thinking back to his reactions when I brought some of these things up…God, it all fit together like a damn jigsaw puzzle. And that is what is killing me. I have to find a way to rid myself of these thoughts.

Being taken from Chi-Chi’s cell to once again meet with Hachuu did little to improve my day, though I was hardly prepared for what he had planned for me. I feel so numb, and perhaps this is why I am relating all of this so matter of fact. I have nothing left to give…I have nothing left.

I was—am still actually, emotionally exhausted when they drug me down to his quarters this afternoon. The guards seemed to be able to sense that, and so they took great joy in dragging me down the hall to that bastard’s quarters.

He was waiting for me when I was finally deposited on a cold, metal chair in the room. There were no electro shackles on me, and I was relieved. I hate being confined. The look he gave me should have scared me, I think, or at least prepare me for what was to come, but I was too numb, and too worn to pay much attention. All I could do was stare back at him, and wait for him to dole out whatever torture he had planned for me.

"You seem out of sorts, Bulma. Has something happened?" Hachuu intoned gravely. He is so damn smug, so sure that he is in control. God, I hope that I am the person who wipes that arrogance right out of his system.

"What do you want?" I had asked rather calmly, considering my position. Why was he here? Why was I facing him?

"I have a mind to discuss your fate." He replied arrogantly, flashing me a rather wicked smile that chilled me to the bone.

"My fate?" I asked dumbly.

"Didn’t you wonder why you are allowed to eat while the other girl is not?" He stared at me with open revulsion, and I felt the spark of rage that had been lurking deep within the depths of my body, masked by shock and fear, ignite like it was a torch. Everything that had happened to me, every horror that I was being forced to endure, every moment that I had been left alone, every moment of mental agony…flew out of me in a rush of adrenaline as I launched myself out of that chair and at his miserable body.

"What?" I screeched at him, claws bared to draw his blood. I mean I assumed that he had to bleed…didn’t everyone? "Why should I assume that my fate would be any different from theirs? How dare you come in here and make me out to be some mindless fool, you bastard!"

I never saw the lash coming, but come it did, encircling my back, knocking me to my knees, and jolting the breath out of me. I gasped from the remembered feel of it burning along my skin. In that one moment, I was teleported back to Hell, and they were whipping me over and over again, burning my skin with their stupid whips. I cringed, and curled into a tight ball on the floor, paralyzed with my fear.

Hachuu chuckled before coming to stand over me. "Bulma," my name rolled off his tongue with ease. I watched as he smiled at me, or at least what passed as a smile for him. "I know everything there is to know about you, and more. I know your fear of these whips…your loathing of them. I know you are bonded to your Saiya-jin mate…that you could communicate with him telepathically." He chuckled again. "Tell me, did you question why you could no longer feel him?"

"What?" I gasped, trying to fight against the nausea that was bubbling up from the depths of my stomach. The pain of that one single stroke was immense, and even now it continued to burn. God, how had Bardock been dealing with this on a daily basis?

"My dear," Hachuu had calmly replied. "I am in control of your mind and body. You can do nothing without my knowing it. You need to understand that. You are my slave. If I so desired, you would do everything I bid. You will never know another day of life where your thoughts were yours and yours alone." He knelt before me, caressing my hair as if I were a child. "The girl—Chi-Chi…suffers because she carries the child of the son of Bardock. Bardock’s family will suffer and die, just as mine did. She will suffer, and the abomination within her…the brat that carries the blood of Bardock will die as well.

"Oh my God." I think I laid my head down. I can’t recall. My mind was too over whelmed by what I was hearing. She had told me that. Had she known, or had they told her? I had suspected the truth of it, but I had not wanted to believe that he would harm an innocent woman and her child. What a fool I had been.

"She was told." Hachuu replied, apparently reading my mind then and there. "I did a thorough search of her mind and found many things. I believe she shared some of her information with you?" He smiled knowingly at me, and in that one moment I knew…Chi-Chi’s tantrum had been his doing. My suspicions were confirmed. He had implanted the hatred and desire to hurt me in her heart.

"They were all lies. I knew that. He would never hurt me that way." I tried to sound brave and sure, but I should have known he would simply look into my mind to see what I really felt. The violation makes me sick.

"It is all true, I assure you. You know it is. I used only facts that I found within her mind. Imagine my surprise to find out that you are the concubine of the Saiya-jin Prince—mother to his son, Trunks. I believe that I mentioned that to you in our previous meeting. That information was almost too good to be true, and as I told you before, you are a valuable weapon to my people. Of course, I found much more when I searched your brain." His hand caressed over my hair and down my back, rubbing over the lash mark that had burned through my clothes, and into my skin. I had to grit my teeth to keep from crying out, as a wave of nauseating pain rolled through my body. "There are feelings for Bardock…I see that too."

"You are crazy!" I spat out, unable to stop the tears that were streaming down my face. "I—" I choked on my words and my voice failed, unable to get anything past the huge lump that had inched its way up my throat.

"Perhaps…" He had laughed. "But if I am, it is because of the man that you came here with. Bardock destroyed me, and I will destroy him. He has feelings for you as well, and I will use them against him. He knows his grandchild suffers, and he will know you suffer."

"No, please." I begged, knowing what he meant to do. He was going to whip me, he was going to whip me, and drag me before Bardock. I couldn’t take it; I couldn’t take it, not the whip. "Please…" I sobbed out.

"Don’t worry, child. Your suffering is for the most blessed cause in this universe." He stood and motioned to his guard.

I tried to crawl away, but the whip descended against my back, and it immobilized me. Through my own cries, I heard the door slide open and I heard him utter one single sentence that chilled me to the bone, for it told me quite clearly just how far gone he really was.

"You suffer for vengeance."

God I am tired. I need to sleep.

Day Eight

I am back. And though I needed to sleep, I found that my rest was plagued with nightmarish images. Whether they were my own or ones introduced to my mind by Hachuu, I have no idea. My bond has been taken from me, or blocked…I am not sure what they have done. All I know is that Vegeta is completely gone from me. I need him…I need him so badly. I need to know that he didn’t betray me, that he didn’t lie to me.

I am going to die on this planet. I know that now with complete certainty now. And Vegeta will never know. Will he miss me? Will he ever know the truth of what I am going through? I am sitting here, talking into this damn recorder, thinking that someone will find it and let him know, but I know the truth. He will never know, and my baby…Trunks, oh God, what about him? What is going to happen to him? He’s going to grow up without me; he’s never going to know me…

You know, I had these same thoughts yesterday, while they were whipping me. All I could think of was that I would never see those brilliant blue eyes again, I would never feel the touch of those little hands in mine. It was all I could think of. Hachuu left me in that room to be beaten like a dog. Over and over again, that whip descended upon my back, unyielding in its fury. I bit my tongue for as long as I could…bit my lip until it bled, thought of my son, and of the life that we were apparently not destined to have. I thought of Vegeta, and of all the things that I would have said to him were he there. I thought of anything and everything that might stop me from screaming. I wouldn’t scream, I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction, but in the end their determination had been far stronger than mine.

At some point, I had heard the door open and to my immense shame, I had heard him through my own hoarse cries and sobs. Bardock.

I had heard him cry out my name in a hoarse sob, and I had cringed that he would see me like this. If ever I had wished that I could just disappear into thin air, it was that one moment.

"Bardock, " I had managed to whimper, through the heavy fog that my mind was fast receding into. I had heard a ferocious struggle, and for a moment, the whip had disappeared from my back. I had heard it used against him, and somehow they must have subdued him. I guess it isn’t too hard to do when you can simply introduce the idea to sit and be good into your prisoner’s mind. It was that moment, I think, that I finally lost hope. I am going to die.

Mercifully, I must have blacked out, for when I awoke, Bardock was gone, the guard was gone and I was—I was all right. I had been washed, and healed, and left alone in my small cell with a plate of food. There wasn’t much, but I wolfed it all down greedily. It was only afterwards, that I felt the guilt. Chi-Chi wasn’t being allowed to eat. She was being starved to death; her child was being starved to death. What right do I have to eat?

And so here I sit, talking into this damn recorder, acting as if this day was like any other, when in fact it isn’t. I am going to die. There is no point in fighting it any longer.

And though I can’t feel the physical pain from the whips since they healed me, I can still feel every lash as it burned a line into my skin. God, I think I am going to go and be sick—

DAY NINE

I was finally allowed to go to him last night and, God forgive me, something happened. I…I was sick for some time yesterday afternoon, and at some point I must have napped. The sound of my door being opened jerked me from an uneasy rest. A large Kannassan loomed over me, and without a word he grabbed me up and took me to Bardock. I didn’t bother to struggle, what was the point? I had no way of fighting them…I have long since accepted that. It was only when I asked, that he bothered to tell me who I was being taken to. I didn’t think to question why or to what purpose, all I knew was that I was not going to be alone. I was going to see Bardock. I thanked every God I knew, though I was terrified at what I would see when I finally saw him.

My heart tightened in my chest, twisting painfully, and I felt butterflies leap into my stomach as I walked down the hall beside that hulking guard. My mind flooded with a deluge of thoughts, and for a moment, I paused, unsure, before I finally gave into them, and continued on my way. Were they my own? I’m not sure I will ever know.

Yesterday he had seen me being tortured, he had been whipped himself, and somehow I doubted that he was being healed the way they had me. Was he eating? How far gone was his mind? There were a hundred questions that I asked myself, and the closer I got to his cell, the more nervous I became. What was I going to see? Was I ready? Was I prepared?

Hachuu’s right. I do love him. Granted it isn’t half of what I feel for Vegeta, but it is there all the same, a mutual, friendly love. We have shared so much together. There had been such intensity in our survival on Hell. There was a deep abiding friendship, forged through adversity, and a kinship in our mutual passion for science and technology. Bardock had told me something on Chikyuu, not too long before the Saiya-jin arrived, and my entire life had been turned into shambles: If it hadn’t been Vegeta, it would have been him. He was right.

The desire I felt for Bardock as I walked down that hallway confused me. I had thought that I had put such feelings firmly away. It didn’t help that I was angry with Vegeta, perhaps unreasonably so. Had he done this thing to me? Was it true? Or was this some ploy of the Kannassans to use me to suit their purposes? Damn him to hell for leaving me, and for refusing to let me come with him. Time and again, I have proven myself to that bastard and still he treats me as if I am some weak fool. I resent him for that! I am in this position because of him. Bardock knew what I was capable of. He knew, and he treated me as his equal. He has never tried to stop me from any course of action, unless he had a very good reason. It was just another thing I could admire about him.

Not being able to contact Vegeta and have this out with him didn’t help things. My rising anger, coupled with the things that I was being forced to endure…well needless to say it was a lethal mix. I have always been a fool when I was mad, acting first, and thinking later. If I stop and look back on the situation that arose, well I think perhaps there was an underlying desire to hurt Vegeta as he had hurt me. I think. To be fair, my thoughts about Bardock were confusing, and everything seemed amplified…every feeling, every memory. Hachuu, manipulating me, I know that, though I could hardly deny that I wanted Bardock. There had always been something unfinished between us.

I remembered how we fought to stay alive on Hell, and how he had cared for me while I was pregnant. It had been a situation born of need, and desperation; though I had found the strength of will to push him away that night on that miserable planet, though I had no feelings beyond friendship towards him, I found even now as I walked towards his cell, that my body still responded to the desire he had stirred inside me that night. The relationship is far more complex than we pretended. I think we both know that.

Anyway, the guard led me down to the cell that was Bardock’s. I had been given fresh clothes, some standard prison garb, I guess, consisting of pants, and a basic shirt. So I looked no worse the wear when I entered that room, stomach in throat.

I couldn’t say the same for Bardock. He lay on a pallet, sweating profusely, tossing and turning in his sleep. Behind me the door snapped close, and I was alone with him. There was no blanket over him and his chest armor was gone, leaving his skin bared to my view. God, they had whipped him, and not allowed him to heal. There were deep, red welts in the skin curving from around his back, to splay out across his ribbed belly. His face was pale and drawn, contorting from time to time. Whatever sleep he was getting, it wasn’t a pleasant one. Compliments of Hachuu, I could assume.

Cautiously, I went to him, sinking to my knees before him and reaching out a shaking hand to his face. God, to see that face—so handsome and so strong, brought to such trauma…it is more than I can bear. I didn’t realize I was crying until I saw the first drop splatter upon his chest. He moaned, but his eyes remained tightly shut.

"Bardock, it’s all right." I shook his shoulders gently, forgetting my own traumatized state, and thinking to ease whatever tortures he was reliving in his dreams. They were behind this. Hachuu was probably showing him all sorts of horrible images from his life. It was reminiscent of the damn witches…Tantris. How is it that two such different beings could share such power the way they did?

Bardock was so handsome, and so very strong…to see him hurt that way…vicious whip marks burned into his tanned skin, raw, and bloody and—

I wasn’t even aware of the moans of horror that I uttered at the sight of him but he was…he heard them and something on his face twisted horribly. His eyes fluttered open and he moaned, trying to rise up. "Bardock, I’m here." I pressed myself against him, taking a deep calming breath to try to stave off any more tears. Not now, there wasn’t time now. Bardock needed me. I rubbed his brow soothingly, catching my lip between my teeth and biting hard to keep from sobbing. His skin burned hot to touch and he leaned into my hand like a child seeking affection.

"Negi." He moaned softly, lying back down to toss and turn some more. "They’ve hurt you…" He broke off with a moan, and to my surprise his arm latched around me and he pulled me down to him, finding my mouth with his own, burning and hungry as it invaded. I resisted, pushing him away, but he persisted, and before I knew what had happened I was pinned under him and his mouth was everywhere. "Negi," He moaned into my ear. I still haven’t been able to ask him what that name means to him but I will…I have to know. " Don’t leave me." He found the front of my shirt and ripped it open, settling his mouth to travel in the valley between my breasts. To my horror I felt all the feelings he had so long ago roused on Hell awakening, and I could feel my body responding to him, even if I knew that it was wrong. I pushed at him, trying to get him off of me, panic washing over me in cold thick waves. I knew last night, as I know now, that I couldn’t let this happen. I am another man’s woman, I love him and yet, I found the things that Bardock was doing to my body last night fast overruled my conscious. I needed him.

"I need you." He murmured against my skin. "It’s been so long since I’ve felt you. Please…"

The words burned into my mind, and the feel of his hardness pressed so tightly against me scared me. I knew instinctively that this time he was too far-gone to stop if I asked him too. I had to get myself out of this, or I would do something that there would be no going back from.

With sheer force of will, I pushed harder. God, his hand had already managed to make it inside my pants, and even then I was arching against him, writhing and bucking like a wildcat as I came almost instantly against his fingers. What was wrong with me, why did I answer him this way? I love Vegeta, and I had thought he loved me, until—the things they had told me. Still, I couldn’t even say if that were true. Hachuu assured e that it was, but I could believe him like I could believe a snake. Of course they want me to believe it. All of this has to be a product of their manipulations. It is the only answer as to why my defense failed so miserably last night.

I can’t deny that my own self-doubts were ripping my mind apart. The not knowing was driving me crazy. That I had doubts told me far more than I wanted to know, and perhaps it was then that I gave into Bardock. There was some small part of me that knew this was true, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. Vegeta had lied to me, he had betrayed me, and that same small part of me wanted to hurt him.

I knew with every fiber of my being that I needed to fight this, but his hands felt so good, his mouth…it was doing something incredible. I was in his strong arms, and I felt so safe—even if it were just an illusion. I just needed someone to take care of me for a bit, someone to hold me, and make me feel safe.

If I had just been able to connect with Vegeta, if he had only spoken to me, I know that I would never have given into the path that I took last night. But they have taken my bond away, they have taken him away, and they are going to kill me. We were all going to suffer and die…I know that. And last night, my mind screamed like a banshee for my husband, yet he remained silent, and my mind stayed empty of his presence. Wherever he is, he is far removed from my brain and our bond. The doubts, the questions…all went unanswered, and my mind…my mind was in knots. It was just as they had planned.

Bardock’s hands were all over me, strong, and demanding, and I wanted to fight him but I couldn’t. If this was a product of their manipulations, I didn’t care anymore. I needed this, I needed to feel safe and secure…I needed to be held and—and he was the one that was there for me. He had always been there for me. It had always been Bardock that had come through for me. Vegeta had hurt me. Vegeta had hurt me.

My mind warred with me, yelling at me that he was incoherent and feverish, that I was married to a man I loved, and who loved me back. He does love me, doesn’t he? Then why had he betrayed me that way? Why had he denied me my rights? For all I knew my body was irreparably damaged by the drug he had fed me. How could he have ever done this thing to me? You don’t drug the person that you love, you don’t lie to them, and you don’t treat them this way. You didn’t make them believe things that weren’t true. Oh, God, Vegeta, I thought I knew you, but I am beginning to realize that I don’t. What have you done to us?

My mind wants to believe that he couldn’t do that to me, it wanted to believe that last night, but there is was this ugly monster, and it was rearing its head and screaming at me that he could and he had.

Still, I had the thought that I was about to betray something that had been a part of my life for several years now…this man had not been condemned yet. I needed to fight this urge and not give into my damnation.

But my body wasn’t listening to my mind, not last night. I know in my heart that I am going to die on this planet and that Vegeta is lost to me. I will die not knowing whether or not he has ever loved me. God, he hasn’t even married me. I have always known that, but I have been too afraid to admit that to myself. I have been so fucking stupid! So stupid! I have given everything to Vegeta, and in return what have I gotten?

What does it matter to anyone if I took some pleasure with a man who does care for me? I had that same thought last night, and it was actually with that fleeting thought, that I felt the last vestiges of my control slip away and I gave in to Bardock.

I lost all will as his mouth closed around my breast, and his hands pushed off my pants. It was as if what we had avoided on Hell would no longer be denied, and all I could do was gasp as he surged into me in one powerful thrust.

He moved against me fast and hard, and he clung to me with something akin to wild desperation, and God, I answered him back as if we were all that was left in the universe. I had been on this planet for almost two damn weeks, exhausted, starving, half alive. I needed Bardock, I still do.

All I could do was cling to his shoulders and moan with each fierce thrust he made, and somehow I managed to push all thought from my mind except for the feelings that were licking up my body like hot flames from a fire. It was as if I had no mind of my own and as if my body was acting on pure instinct. I felt my body arch up against him and through the roar of the blood that rushed through me I could hear him calling my name, not the woman he had believed me to be—not Negi, but my name, Bulma. He moaned it in my ear over and over, and with one last shuddering thrust he came, taking me with him over the precipice he had built for us so quickly.

I lay quietly beneath him, shaking from the force of the climax, and trying desperately to hold my reality at bay. I knew what I had just done, I knew that I had just betrayed the one man I loved above all other things, and I knew that he would hate me for that. I couldn’t face that, I couldn’t think of it, all I could do was lay there and hang onto Bardock as if he were a shield that would shelter me from the raging storm. I could feel him growing hard and ready in me again and I welcomed it because I knew that it was only mindless passion that would keep me from realizing all I had destroyed with my careless actions. If by some chance I do manage to make it off this planet, there is no way I will ever be able to explain this to Vegeta, not that it really matters. What would my betrayal mean to a man that had apparently thought nothing of me? It didn’t really matter. I wasn’t going to be making it off this planet. They control everything and they have me trapped, they have us all trapped. I am going to die.

I shut my mind down, and moved against him, urging him on as he began his fierce pounding yet again, and God help me, I found myself rising up to meet every hard thrust he made. This time it went longer…much longer and when I finally came I was nothing more than a quivering mass of jelly in his arms, limp, and sweaty, and trembling like a leaf. He made no move to roll off of me, only lay quietly above me sweat slicked and panting from his exertions.

I felt him caress a sweat soaked strand of hair off my face and slowly, fearfully I opened my eyes, knowing the minute I did, that I would once again be confronted with what I had done, and this time I knew there could be no turning away from it.

"Bulma," He had whispered at me, black eyes heavy with misery and concern. "What have we done?" His fingers caressed the sweat beads off my face and I shut my eyes again, feeling the first real surge of panic at what I had done, and what the consequences might very well be. My belly churned and I felt a sharp rise of nausea that I had to quickly swallow down. I shifted under him and opened my mouth but found no words to speak.

"I—" I began before clamming up. There wasn’t anything I could say and I felt the panic stir deep within my belly again as I felt him hardening inside of me one more time. God he is Saiya-jin to the core with the tremendous stamina. "Bardock," I managed to whisper brokenly. "No, we can’t…" Even as I spoke the words I felt my body arch against his, felt the light flutter of butterflies as they danced in my stomach, and I moaned at the warm rush of sensation that fluttered between my legs. It was too late to stop now; it was too late to turn back.

"Bulma…" He moved slowly in me, groaning against my mouth. "I’m sorry, I can’t—" He gasped as he moved again, steady and even. "I can’t stop this time, I have to go." With a low growl he set his mouth to mine and I answered him back, unable to stop myself from doing so. Though it lacked the emotional punch that making love to Vegeta has, it lacked none of the pleasure and in this horrifying situation where we weren’t even sure if we would survive another day, I found that I wanted that pleasure. I wanted him to keep my mind off of everything that would harm me, and I wanted to feel alive and safe. And his body, moving strong and sure against me, made me feel more alive than I had felt in the previous week of our incarceration. All of this, all of the desperation and uncertainty overwhelmed my rational mind, the part that would never have betrayed Vegeta this way, and I gave into Bardock again and again through out that entire night.

This morning I woke wrapped tightly in his arms, our limbs and bodies tangled together and I fought back another strong surge of desire at how closely we were pressed together. Whatever feelings he has awoken in me had not dissipated with the morning light, and even now, have yet to completely recede. The thought makes me shudder. I could feel his hardness against me and when I recalled how it had moved in me the night before, I felt my limbs go weak. God, what have I done? And what’s worse is that I knew that it was wrong, that I had done something unforgivable and yet I wanted more…I wanted him, I still want him! What in the hell is wrong with me? Am I so sure that I am going to die? And when I do die, do I really want to take my unfaithfulness to the afterworld with me?

What unfaithfulness? The ugly little thought skimmed into my brain this morning, and I found myself recalling, with clarity, the words that Chi-Chi had spat at me.

We weren’t even married. I could easily admit that to myself. He had never married me. I had simply turned a blind eye to it, thinking everything would work out. I had suspected that there was much more to the Saiya-jin ceremony, and had never pushed for a more human one. I had been too afraid to. Yet, what if my mind is jumping to conclusions? God, it is so maddening to not know. If only I could talk to him, confront him…if only. As I lay there this morning, pressed against Bardock’s hard, naked body, my mind, already reeling, attempted to analyze all that had happened. I’m shocked that I am still sane.

I could suspect all I want, I could think back to little clues he dropped, but until I heard it from Vegeta’s mouth, there would always be some doubt. I’m not sure if that makes me stupid or not, but it is wreaking havoc with my mind. I feel as if I am being torn in a million different directions. Making love with Bardock has not helped that situation out.

Had the things Chi-Chi said been small, little details that Hachuu had managed to glean to use against me? Or was it some made up lie to lead me down a path of damnation, with the insinuation that it was true? I don’t even know what thoughts were mine anymore!

I have no power to find out, or stop him. All I had are these thoughts that I was having. There is so much confusion and rage. I have no idea, even now, if those thoughts this morning were mine or not. All I know is that there was some part of me that believed everything I had been told and it hurt. It hurt so badly. He hadn’t even married me. After everything we had been through, he had never even married me. So going on that…how in the hell could I betray a man that I wasn’t married to? Were these all thoughts they were forcing me to feel? God, it is going to destroy me. And that is if I am lucky. At the worst, it is going to drive me mad. Imagine a lifetime of living with this. I’d be better off dead.

My mind abuzz with maddening thoughts, I moved slightly, trying to distance myself from Bardock, but the motion woke him and I found two bottomless black eyes staring into me as if he could see into my very soul, and I thought perhaps he might have been able to. He was years older than I was, experienced…and whatever new things he was experiencing now seemed to only add to the mystical figure that I seemed to see in him. His eyes searched mine and I fought against turning away. How could I let him see into my eyes, how could I let him see that deep into me, see the sickness that I felt for myself at giving my body to him. How would I ever explain this to Vegeta? And why did I even care anymore what Vegeta thought or didn’t? Damn him! This was all his fault!

"Bulma…" He murmured at me, and I felt his hand caress down my back gently. "Bulma, I—I’m so sorry." He shut his eyes and I watched his brows furrow in sorrow and shame. They popped back open and the black eyelashes fluttered against his still pale skin. "I had no right to touch you, no right to do what I did last night. You are another man’s…my Prince’s woman and I took what was his." I felt his body shake against mine and despite every sense screaming at me to not do it, I wrapped my arms around him and held his trembling body tightly against mine. I felt him trace a trail down my naked back, feeling for injuries he had known me to have suffered.

"They healed me." I half sobbed. "I’m sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" He had asked quietly. "All of this is my fault…"

"It was my fault, too." I whispered in a voice so low it was barely discernable in the still silence of the room. "We were both hurting and you were here and it just happened…it isn’t your fault."

"You were vulnerable…" Bardock broke off and turned away, but I caught this face with my hand, and to my surprise he made no move to turn away. Gently I traced the scar that marred the handsome face. It suddenly struck me as odd how that scar did little to detract from his handsomeness. I asked him once how he had gotten it, and all he would ever tell me was simply—Frieza. It only added to the mystery that was Bardock and I felt myself lean even closer into him, perhaps it was my subtle way of inviting more of his attentions. I just don’t know.

"Maybe it was just meant to happen, Bardock." I said to him. " I knew better and I let it happen anyway. I couldn’t stop myself." I pressed my mouth to his in a shy kiss and he responded, gently at first. I meant to pull away before it got out of hand, but I felt myself melt against him, heard him moan and I was lost again in the red hued blanket of passion that we had woven around us the night before. I felt him roll me onto my stomach and I heard his harshly whispered words in my ear.

"One more time Bulma, one more time and I swear I will never touch you again." His hands were everywhere then, touching and teasing; arousing me to such heights I thought I would burst, and when he finally lifted me to my knees and plunged into me, I cried out from the sheer physical joy of the union. God what lay between this man and I that he could rouse me to such heights? It frightens and excites me all at the same time, and though I know that what I feel for him doesn't begin to come close to what I feel for Vegeta, I would be lying to myself if I said there was nothing. There has been something between us since the long nightmarish days we spent on Hell together, and in my ignorance I had thought I could ignore it. What happened between us last night shows me for the fool that I was, and what had occurred this morning proved me the fool that I am.

I arched back against him as he pounded into me and I felt his hands on my breasts, kneading and massaging and I cried out as I came hard, slamming myself back against him in a desperate attempt to prolong the pleasure, and then before I could catch my breath, he was pushing me down to the bed and latching his mouth to my breasts and taking me again, bringing me to another shuddering climax within minutes before finally spilling himself deep within me with a hoarse shout.

"Bulma," He moaned, rolling off of me, terror stark in his eyes. "If any of the Kannassans ever find out what happened here they will use you against me. They will hurt you to hurt me. We have to stop this now, and we have to get dressed. We have to…they must not know."

I nodded and stood, feeling his seed, thick and wet, between my thighs. It was at that moment that an unspeakable thought occurred to me. If what Chi-Chi had said was true and Vegeta had deliberately kept me from getting pregnant…where did that leave me now? I sincerely doubted Bardock had held much back and the last time I had been mindlessly made love to, I had gotten pregnant. Oh God, what if I was pregnant now and carrying another man’s child?

Bardock must have seen the look on my face, and the movement of my hand over my belly for he paled, and dropped to his knees before me. "Oh God, Bulma…what if you’re pregnant?" His hand pressed against mine and I shuddered at the thought of telling Vegeta that the baby I carried was not his. If I had thoughts to hiding what had happened between Bardock and myself, they flew out the window then and there. If I am pregnant, he’s going to know, and he’s going to hate me. I will lose him forever, and it is all that I can hope for after betraying him, repeatedly, with another man.

I felt the sobs rise up, and I choked on them—painfully. I sank to the ground and somewhere, through the tears and the heavy fog of my mind I felt Bardock cradle me in his arms. And though I tried to push him away, he held fast, until finally I clung to him, sobbing and pounding against his body for all that I had lost, for all that I had thrown away in my stupidity.

In our mutual state of despair, neither of us heard the door opening. It was only the chilling, wicked chuckle that brought us out of our world and we both started and turned towards the door and I heard Bardock give a low moan of agony at the sight of Hachuu standing before us, his face set in sick amusement.

Hachuu said nothing, just continued to chuckle as if he were mad. He motioned for his guards to take me and I cringed back, not wanting to be given over to them. They had whipped me the day before and I had no desire to have that happen again. It took me right back to Hell and that horrible, horrible day that the guards whipped me repeatedly. Even now that memory can make me shake as no other can.

Bardock stood with me, pushing me behind him, baring his teeth at the Kannassans as they came, but he was weakened from their previous tortures, and from making love to me all night, and in an instant he was on the ground writhing in agony from some device they had pressed into his skin. I heard him moan my name as I backed away from Hachuu, who approached me like a hunter stalking his prey. I felt the guard press against my naked body as he halted my backwards motion, and then with one sharp stabbing pain, I felt no more.

When I awoke later, I was still naked, and restrained in a strange room. My clothes—the clothes that Bardock had stripped from me last night lay in a heap on the floor. Something light and feathery moving over my skin turned my head and I gasped as I saw Hachuu staring at me with an almost calculating look in his eyes. Even now, I don’t know how he did that with his eyes, but it makes my skin crawl.

"I thought you told me that the Saiya-jin meant nothing to you?’ He asked me quietly, moving forward to stand beside me. I flushed at his leisurely perusal of my body and bit my lip to keep from screaming out as his cold, clawed hand reached out to touch my breast. "Why then, if he means nothing to you…did you give yourself to him? His hand trailed downwards to cup the wetness between my legs. "You reek of him and his seed." His hand withdrew and he laughed harshly. "You needn’t worry, your body is merely a curiosity to me. I have no interest in using it for my pleasures. And I would never take a woman that had been a Saiya-jin whore. He spat on me and I flushed in humiliation, furious that I was unable to do anything save lie there and take his abuse. "I find however that you have given me quite an opportunity. One that I would be hard pressed to ignore. Saiyans are notoriously possessive of what is theirs and I saw the way Bardock fought for you. I wonder, what it will do to him to see you broken before his eyes?"

Were they responsible? Had Hachuu deliberately set me, and my emotions up so that he could use me in this way? He had discovered feelings—our feelings for each other. He had cut me off from the world, from my mate, fed me information that was meant to harm my feelings for Vegeta. I didn’t even know if it were true, yet I had been willing to believe it. Had it all been for this purpose? Did he hope to have the ultimate revenge against Bardock for his family?

"He doesn’t care about me. Whatever happened between us last night was a one-time thing—we were both scared and lonely and we needed one another. There is no love between us." I spat the words out at him, staring at him defiantly, and cursing myself again for my inability to say no to Bardock last night. Not only have I betrayed my husband, but I have also apparently signed my own death warrant for certain. I could see in his cold eyes that he had no belief in my words. Even now, thinking back to this morning and the look I saw in those cold, cold eyes, I shudder. God, he is going to kill me, I know it. He is sick and perverted, and I am scared to death, not of dying, but in how he will see me dead. He wants to make us suffer. He gets off on it. It is all he has left in his pathetic little life.

Anyway, I digress, repeating what is already known. If I thought his plans for me were chilling, they grew far worse as he made his intentions fully known to me. He stood beside me for what seemed like hours, but I think really only a few minutes had passed. I ached to get up, to run away, to wipe his saliva from my body, but he kept me restrained and stood staring at me as if I were something repulsive. Then after what seemed like hours he spoke, running his damn hand over my body again. He says he isn’t interested, but I wonder. I really fucking wonder.

"Perhaps you are telling me the truth, my dear woman, yet now, because of this one night you might very well carry his child. I find that an opportunity I cannot pass up. You see, when he came to this planet all those years ago, he stole my family from me…killed them without a second thought, and I find that the idea of being able to do the same…" He broke off and I know my face must have lost all color. I felt the room spin at what he was implying. I watched as he seemed to vibrate with pent up emotion and I fought back with everything in my being to keep from sobbing and begging him not to hurt me, or any child that Bardock and I might have created. I watched him through narrowed eyes as he ran that cold, cold hand up my body again to cup my face and though I tried to jerk away, he held fast and smiled.

" I will be having you monitored and I will ensure that you go to Bardock again and again. I was quite truthful when I had your friend spill the truth about you so-called mate. I ran tests on you while you healed in the regeneration tank. The drug is still heavy in your system, but the longer you go without it, the more likely you will be to get pregnant." He smiled coldly at me, before withdrawing a small chip from the folds of his tunic. "These are the readouts. You have only to ask and I will place them in the computer for you to see."

"What drug have you found?" My heart felt like it was shattering. He had no reason to lie now. He was speaking the truth…it was obvious.

"It is Degeron." He chuckled wickedly. "It is used by whores and concubines to ensure that impregnation doesn’t occur. So I guess we have the answer to what you are to your so-called mate. Searching your friend's mind, I was able to discern that Saiya-jin are not joined as man and wife unless they go through the official ceremony of the race. This was confirmed by Bardock and unfortunately, you do not have the same memory. You are quite unattached my dear."

I wanted it to not be true, I wanted to believe that I was some awful adulterous betrayer, not that my mate had lied to me in the worst possible way. Degeron? I had heard of it. And he was right; it was predominantly used by whores to keep from getting pregnant. Was that what I was to Vegeta? Oh God. Something inside me shattered, and died as the words Hachuu had spoken sunk into my subconscious.

"Bardock will know suffering on levels he has never experienced before, and when I am done he will regret the day he brought his Saiya-jin monsters to this planet to wreak their havoc." His eyes had taken on some glassy far away look, and I know now that he is no longer living in the present, but caught in the past. I’ve known it for a while but the idea of it has been too frightening to fully want to acknowledge.

I also know that somehow, I have to find a way out of here for all of us.

I said nothing to him; there was no point in it. He released my restraints and ordered me to get dressed. I obeyed meekly, not wanting to have to look into those dead, frigid eyes again. I just wanted to go away…preferably, I wanted to go back in time to when Vegeta kept me from going with him to help Trunks. If he had only let me go with him, if he had only realized that I would be safe with him, none of this would be happening, and I would be with him and not here and nothing would have happened with Bardock. I would be blissfully ignorant of his betrayal and maybe—well there isn’t much point in thinking about maybes.

"Bardock has spent some time with several of my guards. He will require your love and care." He chortled at his words, and turned to leave.

He means to breed us as if we were lab rats in some bizarre experiment, all to strike back at Bardock. I felt the bile rising up in my throat, and I barely made it off the chair before I threw up. I would go in there, and I would give myself to Bardock, and he would take me. We had no choice. They were putting the thoughts in our brains, and until I could figure out some kind of wall…I was helpless to stop it. I could be a mindless drone should he so choose.

Hachuu enjoyed that we knew, though…he enjoyed the agony such knowledge brought us. That is why I was allowed to have some of my own thoughts. There was no suffering for a mindless drone, only blissful ignorance. He would give me the knowledge of what was happening to me, and he would revel in the pain that caused me.

Dammit…I have to find a way to stop Hachuu and his fellow Kannassans from doing this to me…to us. I do feel for Bardock, but Hachuu has played on those feelings and God knows what he will do to Bardock and me. We could end up—no, I cannot think of all the what ifs. I will do what I have to, and I…I will find a way for us to escape. There has to be a way. If this drug is built up in my system, then it will take me some time to get pregnant. I have to believe that. There will be time enough later to try to deal with what I have found out. Right now, I have to formulate a plan to get us out of here.

Chi-Chi is unwell, Bardock is being slowly tortured to death, and I find myself now in mortal danger, both mentally and physically. I have to find a way out.

I dressed quickly, and was waiting for the guards when they came to get me. Bardock stood, leaning defiantly against the wall, in obvious pain. He straightened immediately when he saw us, and I watched his face as it hardened and went cold. Yet his eyes swept over me and I felt my whole body warm under his hasty perusal. They shoved me into the room and muttered something about me being a Saiya-jin’s whore before they turned and left. I stood silently watching Bardock, unsure what to say now that we were alone. He was the first to break the silence.

"Bulma, are you alright?" He staggered over to me, and I half caught him as he started to fall, sinking to his knees on the floor. God they are killing him.

I sank down with him. "Yes," I sobbed into his chest, heartened when his arms closed around me, but that thing…he is going to kill me, I know it."

"No," Bardock murmured soothingly into my hair, smoothing a strong hand over my back. "I won’t let him touch you, I promise."

I raised my head to give him what I knew must be a dubious glance, and he half smiled. "I think we need to find a way to get out of here. Chi-Chi is about to lose the baby and they are going to kill you if they keep this up." I ran a shaking hand over the deep welts that marred the tanned skin.

"What about you?" He asked me quietly, his deep, smooth voice gone husky. "What did Hachuu do to you?" I felt his body tremble beneath my hand, and I shuddered in response, not sure how to tell him what Hachuu had said.

"He did nothing really, only said that he will use me and anything we might have created between us against you. He can control our minds, Bardock; put thoughts inside of us that we aren’t having. He searches for information and he uses it against us. I think he plans on making me suffer, and if I am pregnant, well that will only make his day."

Another deep tremor ran through me and I leaned against him, giving into the sweet flow of tears that finally burst forth from me. He cradled my body against his and I felt him take a deep, shuddering breath. He wanted me, I could tell, and I wanted him. It hung heavily between us. Whether it was Hachuu’s doing or not I didn’t know…but we have to find a way to fight it. I couldn’t think about Vegeta or the things that Hachuu had told me. If I gave into my vulnerabilities, he would use them. He had used my feelings for Bardock…he had used them quite well between us. God what is happening to us?

"Bulma, I will kill any child we created before I will let it be used as a tool to break me or hurt you. I would kill myself before I took you again." He pulled away and gripped me by my shoulders, shaking me slightly. "I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time and undo what I did to you last night, that I could go back and hide anything I felt for you. That he knows makes me sick. I will not allow any harm to come to you, and I will see to it that Vegeta will never find out what happened between us."

"How in the hell can you stop him from finding out?" I cried. "He will know, he knows everything about me. We are connected at the souls and I betrayed him and…" My words were cut off by a low guttural moan and I sank to the floor, curling into a tight ball, preying that I might be able to just hold reality at bay.

Vegeta had betrayed me, he had betrayed me and this time there was no doubt. Hachuu had the proof; I had been able to see it in his eyes…there had been no lies. Damn that fucking bastard! How could he do this to me? The tears came in a mad rush, and I have no idea how long I sobbed. After a while, I felt Bardock curl around me, protectively, and I must have dozed for when I woke up I was back in this room—alone. Thank God, nothing happened. Thank God. It will only be a matter of time, though, before we are pushed at each other again…only a matter of time. And that is what scares me, for God knows what I will do in this state of mind.

* * * * *